„Not to weep, not to rage, but to understand.” The line is nearly four centuries old. Baruch Spinoza wrote it in his Theological-Political Treatise of 1670, and psychologists today copy it out as though it were a new conflict resolution technique.

Spinoza was born in the Netherlands to a Sephardic family and died at 44. He published only two books in his lifetime. He was influenced by the Stoics, but on one point he went further than they did: the Stoics taught how to endure pain, while Spinoza wanted to find its actual causes - physical and psychological. The difference matters. One is enduring, the other is understanding.

Pilar Conde, a psychologist and technical director of the Origen clinics, says the line does not ask anyone to abolish their emotions. Anger, tears and fear arrive on their own, and that is normal. What Spinoza is pointing at is something else - the ability to look at the context, understand the other person's motives, and not focus solely on your own reaction.

The practical part is absurdly simple. When someone insults you or says something that stings, instead of firing back, ask: „What do you mean?” That is it. One question that gives you information before you react, instead of reacting to what you assumed was said.

Conde lists a few more rules. Avoid impulsive reactions - give yourself time to assess the situation. Actually listen to the other person. State your view with „I think” and „in my opinion”, without erasing the person you are talking to. Give up the need to always be right. And accept that some conflicts do not end in agreement, but in mutual respect for differing views.

That last one is the hardest. Around here an argument is rarely aimed at understanding - it is aimed at winning. Who gets the last word, who is louder, who forces the other to shut up. And raising your voice, as psychologists point out, actually weakens your argument: the other person stops listening and starts defending.

Spinoza had neither Twitter nor a family group chat. He still wrote the manual for both.