Epictetus was a slave. That is the detail usually skipped over when his line about nobody being free unless they are master of themselves gets quoted - and it is precisely that detail that gives the line its weight, because it was not spoken by a man who got to choose everything.

Psychologist Violeta Acedo Herrera, author of the book "The Family We Live In", says the modern reading of that sentence is not about rejecting other people. "Being master of yourself has more to do with being able to decide how you want to live and act, without your behaviour being constantly steered by what others expect," she explains.

The distinction is subtle, and that is why it matters. Autonomy does not mean you are indifferent to other people's opinions. It means that when the decision is made, it looks like yours.

The test she proposes is one sentence and takes three seconds: "If nobody could comment on my decision, would I choose the same?" If the answer is no, then the choice was not yours - it was a deal struck with an audience that was not even in the room.

Authenticity, she says, is also not what gets sold under that word. "Being authentic has more to do with a certain coherence between what we think, what we value and how we act." Not a pose, but an alignment - and it can only be checked by actions.

Social media makes this calculation harder, because it turns it into a number. Other people's approval has always existed, but it was never visible as a figure that rises or stalls. When external validation acquires a metric, autonomy becomes something that requires conscious effort.

Another useful point: autonomy is not one thing. You can be entirely self-directed at work and, in a relationship, operate according to expectations you never chose. That is why Acedo Herrera advises checking by context rather than globally.

And finally, on regret. Most of what we call remorse, she says, is actually somebody else's disappointment that we have been carrying as our own. The question she ends on is short: how much of what I do did I actually choose?